Five Shades of Grey
by sanumarox123
Summary: (has nothing to do with fifty shades.) / The five stages of grief Kate goes through after she loses a loved one.


**I want to highlight: Not everyone goes through all the stages. Not everyone even goes through the stages in the order in which they are usually listed! **

**But I did it that way because that's how I experienced them eight months ago. **

**Along with that, different stages may intertwine together.**

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><p><strong>Each part is approximately 400-600 words long.<strong>

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: Don't get me started.<strong>

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><p><strong>Rating because of curse words as well as subject matter.<strong>

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><p><strong>1. Denial and Isolation<strong>

She's at work when she gets the news. Stunned, she leans back in her chair, stunned, mute, and she pushes back the tears and acts like nothing happened.

She can deal with it later. But right now, right now? The case needs to be solved before she can think about any of it.

Kate Beckett knows she's being ridiculous. Hell, she's very aware that she is. But she leaves the room when the conversation turns to _his _name, tunes out when Espo and Ryan try to talk to her.

She's been through this before. It was with her mom. But she can't help it.

She lies in the bed and she leans over to where he used to sleep, talking to no one as she tells him her day, even though when her hand reaches for support, there's nothing there.

Nada. Empty space. Zilch.

She sets his place on the table every day, and sees Alexis and Martha look on, pained, tears in their eyes, but they leave her to cope her own way.

Kate wishes he were here, to help her. But no, he would be away for a little while.

Just a little while. Then he'd be back.

He always comes back.

_x-x-x_

She finds herself staring at his computer, his notes, the rushed way he stuffed everything on top of his desk when he got the call and left hurriedly. She can't seem to put it away; any of it, and Kate knows that Alexis and her mother are having the same problem.

So they leave it the way it is.

She finds herself tracing the books in his extensive library and wondering, "Why did this happen?" and "How?"

But mostly, it's the same old, "Why me?" that she had asked when her mother died.

_x-x-x_

She goes to work every day, spends inordinate hours distracting herself from reality (as others tell her), and refuses to go to a therapist.

She'll be fine, she tells everyone. She recounts the hours to and after she received the news, and the days following every single day, but she especially remembers the times before.

They had been married for not even a year.

And the night before (_oh the night before) _they had made such tender love that her heart broke just thinking about it. It was as if he knew something would happen.

When she had left in the morning, he had said he needed to catch up on some writing, but that he would be in later with some bear claws and 'peculiar theories' to get the case closed as soon as possible.

But he had told her he loved her, and she remembers saying I love you back and pulling him in for a tender kiss that made her curl her toes in pleasure.

x-x-x

A month after the news, Kate stops reaching for the invisible human in their (it will always be theirs) bed.

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><p><strong>2. Anger<strong>

Once she stops reaching for the hand, a new feeling settles in.

Thoughts of, "I should have been here," and an intangible emotion settles in her chest, wearing her down.

On the outside, she seems perfectly fine. But she isn't. And Alexis and Martha can tell.

But they don't say anything. They steer clear of her except at dinner and breakfast and leave conspicuous notes around with Dr. Burke's number.

But she's fine on the outside.

On the inside, however? She's losing her sanity, day by day, anger and guilt overriding her right judgment. Kate knows she should be talking to someone but she can't help but feel like this is her fault. Like she's the reason that Richard Castle is dead.

Lanie and Espo get married, ironically, a month after her partner's death. They seem happy, but while Kate's sitting in the pews, she can't help but feel a pang of anger at whoever is _up there_, because if 'God' is so great and real, then why did he take Rick away from her? After so many years of miscommunication, and only a few months of true happiness, the reason she got out of her mother's murder and legacy alive is gone.

_x-x-x_

She quits the force; unable to focus because everything she sees reminds her of _him. _

Kate spends her time in front of a punching bag, channeling her anger into feeling pain in her arms from pushing too hard.

(She still wears her ring.)

_x-x-x_

There are times when she lashes out at Alexis. Even Martha. The three of them will be on the couch, watching some movie, and something will remind Kate of him and she'll start to scream like a madman.

They're used to it. They calm her down, and pat her back, and then they end up on the floor crying and telling stories of a beloved father, a darling son, and a devoted husband.

_x-x-x_

She'll wake up in bed, sobbing, and start to curse out everything in the world that came between the two of them and cry into her pillow until she falls asleep, exhausted.

Kate wakes up at 12 every day, and even though a part of her feels bad that out of the whole family, she's the one taking the death the hardest even though she wasn't the one who knew Richard Castle the longest, the bigger and childish part of her wants to take out her anger and pain on someone else.

It's wrong and horrible, but the Castle family takes in stride and they all adjust to a routine-like life.

That is, until Kate finds out she's pregnant.

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><p><strong>3. Bargaining<strong>

She's fucking pregnant.

Three months, if the tests are right.

Three fucking months.

She was pregnant for three weeks before he died.

(She's told that she's lucky that she didn't have morning sickness. But she thinks, I would have liked it if I could have Rick here with me.)

Once she stops crying, she finds herself talking to God.

Or whoever is up there.

She sits up in bed, hands clasped together, rocking back and forth. She hears herself murmuring, "Please God please bring him back he wanted a kid I want him to be here I can't raise this baby on my own oh please somebody bring Rick back," every night, or something around the lines of that.

Some nights, Alexis comes and find her. They sit together and 'Lex guides her through her attacks, and prays (_prays._).

On the nights the young redhead isn't there, Kate finds herself thinking back to the good times. Remembering the banter that was foreplay to when they finally got together. Remembers the first time they made love, and somehow distinctly remembers the color of his eyes as he drove into her for the first time. (And every time after that.)

She has random outbursts, sometimes screaming at her family for no reason, or instead breaks down and cries her heart out.

His books. His books become her safe haven once again, but for a different reason this time.

She'll mark pages that seem funny and exemplifies the partnership the two of them had and leave little notes to Rick, as if he were to read them one day.

_x-x-x_

Every night, Kate will sit in front of that _one picture _that was their picture: the two of them with coffees in their hands, after their first night together. She's nearly six inches shorter than him without heels, and he's looking down at her and has an arm around her.

(The love is so evident in their eyes that it pains her to think of the time they wasted, lying and skirting around each other.)

And of course, Alexis had taken this picture. So, sometimes, the redhead joins Kate in her ritual, and they list the events of their day and other things that he would have found interesting.

_x-x-x_

Some nights, she'll fall asleep in his office, wishing deeply that on an off chance that

he'll be there when she wakes up.

Maybe he'll be there with a cup of coffee; that warm smile that he used only on her and his daughter and mother.

She hopes so much that, in the dark, that hope seems to be real, and she can almost feel him breathing next to her. It might seem like she's crazy to anyone on the outside world, but it's her way of coping.

_x-x-x_

The time for the ultrasound comes, when they find out the sex of the baby. Alexis comes with her, and the nurse sends a knowing look at her, not judging, but some sort of 'I see how it is'.

Kate can barely hold back the tears but she gets through it, and when she hears that it's a baby boy, she _can't _hold it back.

She wishes more than anything, that Rick could be here. That he could talk to her stomach and listen to the kicks and just_ be there._

But he isn't. And she has to come to terms with that.

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><p><strong>4. Depression<strong>

Once she accepts that he won't be there for the baby, she sinks into a depression.

She can't get out of bed. She _won't. _She finds herself ignoring the texts and calls from Lanie and Maddie and her dad and Espo and Ryan. She finds herself pushing away Alexis and Martha, the only two constants in her life since his death.

But her family doesn't.

(She can't help but be thankful for the tendency of the Castle family to push, push, _push, _until all her walls are down and she's left vulnerable and afraid.)

Yet she still feels the pain. The pain becomes so overwhelming she hides under the covers and doesn't eat for days. She cries at the slightest memory, the tiniest recollection of the time they had together.

She drags herself to shower after two weeks of nothing but sleeping and waking and going to the bathroom (with the occasional snack). She sags against the tiles as the water beats down on her, and she lets the pressure merge with the one inside and she collapses.

It's lucky that Alexis heard the thump, and came in to drag her out of the shower.

Or is it lucky? Kate finds herself wondering what's worth it. Is life worth it?

If Alexis and Martha weren't there, then she would probably kill herself.

But they keep her sane (semi-sane). They spend the weeks with her, watching the fire, and later talking quietly about memories they shared. They don't turn on the news to see his face appear on the 6PM news every once in a while, marking it the 'so many weeks and months' from the car accident.

But they still don't understand. They might be going through the grief differently, but Kate now has a little human being inside of her that doesn't have a dad, and one day, in a few years, she'll have to explain why he doesn't have his dad and then everything will come back, piling on her.

How is she supposed to take care of the baby?

(She wants to name him Richard.)

_x-x-x_

Her depression lasts several months. It gets better after some time, but something will trigger a memory and she's back in the chair (she's so big now she can't sit on the floor comfortably) and shaking.

The doctor told her that these episodes wouldn't hurt the baby's health as long as she doesn't go to alcohol or drugs.

And she won't ever. This baby is the only thing she has left that is a part of both of them (other than the Castles), and she's going to take care of this baby to the best of her ability.

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><p><strong>5. Acceptance<strong>

Weirdly enough, she's in labor when she accepts his death for the first time.

She's pushing and screaming and wishing that he was next to her, calming her with his eyes and words and hands and then… something snaps.

She realizes that he _won't _be back. He won't be able to see their baby grow up and to watch his daughter get married. He won't be able to watch her grow old and still love her, even with her wrinkles. They won't be able to grow old together.

And for the first time, she's strangely at peace about those facts.

As the doctor hands her her son for the first time, the little fists pumping in the air, tufts of dark hair on his head, she falls in love all over again.

This is not the kind of love that she felt with the love of her life.

No, this is a maternal love. The kind she never thought she could ever feel. She feels a certain responsibility for this tiny being that has been handed to her.

Just like the Earth moved when she started to work with Richard Castle, the Earth moves once more when she rests her eyes on the little person in her arms, screaming but with his eyes open.

He has Rick's eyes.

And suddenly, that's enough.

She'll never get over the loss of her husband. She'll never love another man the way she loved Castle. But that doesn't mean that there isn't space in her heart for another person.

Kate lets Alexis and Lanie and Martha hold the little baby and she can't help but laugh at the familiar scene.

(She _laughs. _For the first time in almost a year.)

The boys are in the corner, wanting to come over but at the same time wanting to stay manly. The women and her father are surrounding the little human being, new to the world, probably confusing him with their loud voices and their big smiles.

This is her home.

Her new home.

_x-x-x_

Every year, on the same day, the whole family and extended family (meaning… the precinct family.) gather together at Richard Castle's grave and share stories that show happy memories.

There's always the shadow of what could have been in their lives.

But with the help of each other, they can move on.

_x-x-x_

(She still finds herself wishing to some heavenly being that she could just say one last goodbye, one last kiss, one last night with the love of her life. But life doesn't work that way.)

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><p><strong>I myself have not reached the acceptance period. A lot of people are not lucky enough to reach it.<strong>

**But I hope you enjoyed this fanfic, as well as shed a few tears.**

**I love you all, and see you next time :)**

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><p><strong>(Reviews are like cookies to ice cream I cannot eat anymore.) <strong>


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